17.1.08

El primer post en años

bueno... parece que he vuelto... o que ahora me he animado de repente a volver a postear..
Estoy leyendo Trainspotting y me ha molado un capítulo en concreto, es psicología pura en mi opinión... por cierto, está en slang, a ver si me cabe tb la traducción o algo por abajo...lo cuelgo:

"SEARCHING FOR THE INNER MAN
Ah've never been incarcerated for junk. However, loads ay cunts have had stabs at
rehabilitating me. Rehabilitation is shite; sometimes ah think ah'd rather be banged up. Rehabilitation
means the surrender ay the self.
Ah've been referred tae a variety of counsellors, wi backgrounds ranging fae pure
psychiatry through clinical psychology to social work. Doctor Forbes, the psychiatrist, used non–
directive counselling techniques, basing his approach largely on Freudian psychoanalysis. This
involved getting us tae talk aboot ma past life and focus oan unresolved conflicts, the assumption
presumably bein that the indentification and resolution ay such conflicts will remove the anger which
fuels ma self–destructive behaviour, that behaviour manifesting itselff in ma use ay hard drugs.
A typical exchange: Dr Forbes: You mentioned your brother, the one with the, eh,
disability. The one that died. Can we talk about him?
(pause)
Me: Why?
(pause)
Dr Forbes: You're reluctant to talk about your brother?
Me: Naw. It's just that ah dinnae see the relevance ay that tae me bein oan smack.
Dr Forbes: It seems that you started using heavily around the time of your brother's death.
Me: A loat happened aroond that time. Ah'm no really sure how relevant it is tae isolate ma
brar's death. Ah went up tae Aberdeen at the time; the Uni. Ah hated it. Then ah started oan the cross–
channel ferries, tae Holland. Access tae aw the collies ye could hope fir.
(pause)
Dr Forbes: I'd like to go back to Aberdeen. You say you hated Aberdeen?
Me: Aye.
Dr Forbes: What was it about Aberdeen you hated?
Me: The University. The staff, the students and aw that. Ah thought they were aw boring
middle–class cunts.
Dr Forbes: I see. You were unable to form relationships with people there.
Me: No sae much unable, as unwilling, although ah suppose it means the same, for your
purposes (noncommittal shrug fae Dr Forbes) . . ah hudnac any interest in any fucker thair.
(pause)
Ah mean ah didnae really see the point. Ah knew ah wisnae gaunnae stey fir long. If ah
wanted a blether, ah'd go tae the pub. If ah wanted a ride ah'd go tae a prostitute.
Dr Forbes: You spent time with prostitutes?
Me: Aye.
Dr Forbes: Was this because you lacked confidence in your ability to form social and
sexual attachments with women at the University?
(pause)
Me: Naw, ah did meet a couple ay lassies.
Dr Forbes: What happened?
Me: Ah wis only interested in sex, rather than a relationship. An didnae really huv the
motivation tae disguise that fact. An saw these women purely as a means ay satisfying ma sexual
urges. Ah decided it wis mair honest tae go tae a prostitute instead, rather than play a game ay
deception. Ah wis quite a moral fucker in these days. So ah blew ma grant money oan prostitutes,and nicked food and books. That's what started the thievin. It wisnae really the junk, though that
obviously didnae help.
Dr Forbes: Mmmm. Can we go back to your brother, the one with the handicap. How did
you feel about him?
Me: No really sure . . . look, the guy wis jist ootay it. He wisnae thair. Totally paralysed.
Aw he'd dae wis tae sit in that chair wi his heid turned tae the side. Aw he could dae wis blink n
swallow. Sometimes he made wee noises. . . he wis like an object, rather than a person.
(pause)
Ah suppose ah resented um whin ah wis younger. Ah mean, ma Ma would just take um
oot in this pram. This big, outsized thing in a fuckin pram, likes. It made me n ma big brar, Billy,
the laughin stock wi the other kids. Wid git: 'Your brother's a spastic' or 'Your brother's a zombie'
and aw that sortay shite. Jist bairns, ah ken, but it doesnae seem like that at the time. Because ah wis
tall n awkward as a wee laddie, ah started tae believe thit thir wis something wrong wi me n aw, that
ah wis somehow like Davie
(long pause)
Dr Forbes: So you felt a resentment towards your brother.
Me: Aye, as a bairn, a wee laddie, like. Then he went intae the hoespital. Ah suppose it
wis, likes, problem solved, ken. Sortay ootay sight, ootay mind. Ah visited um a few times, but thir
didnae seem tae be any point. Nae interaction, ken? Ah jist saw it as a cruel twist ay life. Perr Davie
goat dealt the shitest possible hand. Fuckin sad, but ye cannae greet aboot it fir the rest ay yir puff.
He wis in the best place fir um, gittin well looked eftir. Whin he died, ah felt guilty aboot resentin
um, guilty aboot mibbe no huvin made a bit mair ay an effort. What kin ye dae though?
(pause)
Dr Forbes: Have you talked about these feelings before?
Me: Naw . . . well, mibbe mentioned it tae ma Ma n faither . . . .
That was how it used tae go. A loat ay issues brought up; some trivial, some heavy, some
dull, some interesting. Sometimes ah telt the truth, sometimes ah lied. When ah lied, ah sometimes
said the things that ah thought he'd like tae hear, n sometimes said something which ah thought would
wind him up, or confuse him.
Fucked if ah could see the connection between any ay that and me takin smack, but.
Ah did learn a few things though, based oan Forbes's disclosures and ma ain researches into
psychoanalysis and how ma behaviour should be interpreted. Ah have an unresolved relationship wi
ma deid brother, Davie, as ah huv been unable tae work oot or express ma feelings about his catatonic
life and subsequent death. Ah have oedipal feelings towards ma mother and an attendant unresolved
jealousy towards ma faither. Ma junk behaviour is anal in concept, attention–seeking, yes, but
instead of withholding the faeces tae rebel against parental authority, ah'm pittin smack intae ma body
tae claim power over it vis–a–vis society in general. Radge, eh?
Aw this might or might no be true. Ah've pondered ower a loat ay it, and ah'm willin tae
explore it; ah don’t feel defensive aboot any ay it. However, ah feel that it’s at best peripheral tae the
issue ay ma addiction. Certainly, talking about it extensively has done fuck all good. Ah think
Forbes is as scoobied as ah am.
Molly Greaves, the clinical psychologist, tended to look at ma behaviour and ways of
modifying it, rather than determining its causes. It seemed like Forbes had done his bit, now it was
time tae get 'is sorted oot. That wis when ah started oan the reduction programme, which simply
didnae work, then the methadone treatment, which made us worse.
Tom Curzon, the counsellor fae the drugs agency, a guy wi a social work rather than
medical background, was intae Rogerian client–centred counselling. Ah went tae the Central Library
and read Carl Rogers's On Becoming A Person. Ah thought that the book wis shite, but ah huv tae
admit that Tom seemed tae get us closer tae what ah believe the truth might be. Ah despised masel
and the world because ah failed tae face up tae ma ain, and life's, limitations.
The acceptance ay self–defeating limitations seemed then tae constitute mental health, ornon–deviant behaviour.
Success and failure simply mean the satisfaction and frustration ay desire. Desire can either
be predominantly intrinsic, based oan oor individual drives, or extrinsic, primarily stimulated by
advertising, or societal role models as presented through the media and popular culture. Tom feels
that ma concept ay success and failure only operates on an individual rather than an individual and
societal level. Due tae this failure tae recognise societal reward, success (and failure) can only ever be
fleeting experiences for me, as that experience cannae be sustained by the socially–supported
condoning of wealth, power, status, etc., nor, in the case ay failure, by stigma or reproach. So,
according tae Tom, it's nae good tellin us that ah've done well in ma exams, or got a good job, or got
off wi a nice burd; that kind ay acclaim means nowt tae us. Of course, ah enjoy these things at the
time, or for themselves, but their value cannae be sustained because there's nae recognition ay the
society which values them. What Tom's trying tae say, ah suppose, is that ah dinnae gie a fuck.
Why? So it goes back tae ma alienation from society. The problem is that Tom refuses tae accept
ma view that society cannae be changed tae make it significantly better, or that ah cannae change tae
accommodate it. Such a state ay affairs induces depression on ma part, aw the anger gets turned in.
That's what depression is, they say. However, depression also results in demotivation. A void grows
within ye. Junk fills the void, and also helps us tae satisfy ma need tae destroy masel, the anger
turned in bit again.
So basically ah agree wi Tom here. Whair we depart is that he refuses tae see this picture
in its total bleakness. He believes that ah'm suffering fae low self–esteem, and that ah'm refusing tae
acknowledge that by projecting the blame oantae society. He feels that ma means ay emasculating
the rewards and praise (and conversely condemnation) available tae me by society is not a rejection
ay these values per se, but an indication that ah dinnae feel good enough (or bad enough) aboot masel
tae accept them. Rather than come oot and say: Ah don't think ah have these qualities (or ah think
ah'm better than that), Ah say: It's a loaday fuckin shite anywey.
Hazel said tae us, jist before she telt us that she didnae wantae see us again, whin ah started
using for the umpteenth time: – You just want tae fuck up on drugs so that everyone'll think how deep
and fucking complex you are. It's pathetic, and fucking boring.
In a sense ah prefer Hazel's view. Thir is an element ay ego in it. Hazel understands ego
needs. She's a windae dresser in a department store, but describes hersel as a 'consumer display
artist' or something like that. Why should ah reject the world, see masel as better than it? Because ah
do, that's why. Because ah fuckin am, and that's that."

De Trainspotting de Irvine Welsh

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